on not picking up where I left off - recovery dilemnas

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less is more, more or less

It’s a little perplexing to find myself nearly 23 and so very far off the typical western life path. I’ve been existing in a different world, as far away from merit, competition and systems as I could limp, in order to re learn to exist without pain. 

Unlike my peers, I do not have a bachelor. The last time I worked for a boss was 5 years ago. If I were to write my resume there would be a blank for most of my adult life. My means of income: the pension. Role: lying on the couch and popping pain killers. Not to brag or anything, but I can swallow six at a time. Without choking.

I wonder: how on earth do you proceed when this is your situation? If I do continue to have more strength each year, I have to think about reassimilating. But I am so altered, it’s not as simple as picking up where I left off.

The thing is, I find myself desiring the opposite life to the one I wanted and lived before. I don’t want to practice tirelessly to become a flautist, despite feeling the same passionate love for the arts. I don’t even want to teach really, because it is intrinsically linked to the world that surrounds my illness. I want to lead a simple life. I just want to love and be well.

High achiever options are out the window. I mean, I am seriously considering dog walking and floristry. If you’d suggested that to me 5 years ago, I would have given you a withering look. 

I knew what I wanted to invest energy in even as a young girl. I never once looked up potential careers because I didn’t need suggestions. I was bamboozled that some people had no idea of what to do for a vocation and surprised about how often they changed course. I thought they lacked constancy. Now I sit on the couch and write down lists of things that interest me, like a Year 10 student deciding for the first time. Only, now I am the person with no conviction or sureness of which direction I should turn in.

But there is a step I can take now now, and it dawned on me and Ben a month ago as we grappled with the ‘what next’ question for the hundredth time. What next for someone who wants to dip their toes in life outside the lounge room? For someone who doesn’t want to do what they’re most qualified in, doesn’t want to start a whole new degree, doesn’t have much energy, and would love a family before tooooo long....

I can volunteer.

It’s a chance for me to take a gentle step out of my cocoon. It’s a pressure free way to test my health, aside from driving alertness and vacuuming ease. I don’t know why it took me so long to think of it, possibly because I’d never considered it in all my life.  I am thinking of offering 2 hours per week to begin with, to see how I cope. Can you imagine me coming home from having gone out and contributed?! Right now, I am most interested in Geelong Animal Welfare Society, the local pound which cares for so many beautiful animals. I don’t feel ready to deal with people in need yet, because I am still so fragile. But I feel I could care for homeless dogs.

 I am struck by how excited I am to work for nothing and do a menial task – and the strangest thing of all is that I am as happy now or happier than I was when I was doing ‘greater’ things. 

I have a very strong feeling that success doesn't equal happiness. 

trying hard things: five weeks fructose free

fructose.

Day 1 and Day 2 I was wandering around the kitchen like a nomad, peeking at the dates in the pantry and opening the fridge over and over in dismay. I felt an unquenchable thirst for sweetness. It was overwhelming to realise that when I reached an energy and emotional low, I couldn’t pick myself up with a hit of dates, fruit, lindt or caffine. I was surprised to realise how real my addiction was. I was flat as a pancake.

Just as I was settling in for prolonged misery, I quite suddenly stopped craving things. It was bizarre how abruptly it ended.

 Ben bought jars and jars of Rice Malt Syrup, the fructose-free sweetener of my choice. He has always been a fabulously caring husband, and this was no exception. He did all the cooking, and baked for me so that my nightly tea {herbal now} wasn’t lonesome. Soon though, I was well enough to do my own baking, and that is something I haven’t done in months.

Here’s the strangest thing of all: I have never really enjoyed vegetables overly much, apart from sweet potatoes and corn -  and potatoes in the fries version. Now, I’m desiring green vegetables, even over grains. I walk into the veggie mart (yes, walk in, that’s right) and want to buy greens and eat greens. I honestly think I have broken the sugar addiction after nearly 23 years. I still wonder if this is the honeymoon period, or if I truly want healthy food now? Is my body saying, ‘FINALLY! You ended my complicated relationship with sugar. Thank you!”

The month I left off fructose, I was struggling to keep my eyes open, unable to drive because I felt blank to the very back of my head, and dreading getting off the couch to get a cup of tea. Things had been pretty wretched since moving. Now days I’m not up and down throughout the day with sugar hits and energy lows. I am driving with a clear head, not needing afternoon sleeps 90% of the time, recovering more quickly from exertion and generally experiencing a radical reduction in symptoms.

The results are worth the sacrifice many times over. And to think I put this off for four years, because I was scared it would be too hard – but, like so many things (apart from coming of antidepressants), it was easier in reality.

Today someone posted this article about fructose being very unhealthy en masse. And until a few months ago, I thought orange juice was good for me. Thank-you myths and supermarket promotions.

PS.

-        Summer might be tricky, because I love watermelon and mangoes on hot days. 

-        Going out just isn’t the same when you can’t order chai tea with honey. And no ciders or wines on special occassions. {it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it.}

-        Smelling Ben’s fresh brownies makes me drool, and waver in my resolution, but I will not give in.

-        I am eating ALL vegetables – including onion, tomatoes and garlic, but deliberately limiting these ones. If I hadn’t seen such a radical result, I might have eliminated these too but for now I’m content.

chinese secrets

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I first met Dr. Lim a year ago. I am so very fond of him and his smiling Asian face with Howardesque eyebrows. I look forward to Saturday mornings with him – yes, frightened me, who develops a telltale nervous rash and wants to vomit or bolt at the western doctors. From herbs, to manners, to common sense, he has taught me many things.

“Come in Mrs. Martin. How you feel? Any better?”

Dr. Lim is so delightfully caring. He genuinely gets excited when I’m doing well, and concerned and sad when I’m not. I have no fear in telling him how I’m going because he won’t shrug off anything that I say lightly. He deals with the whole of me, from muscles to mind, and respects my feelings and emotions in a way I rarely come across.

Many doctors sit there coldly and then declare there is nothing they can do for my condition. Then they smirk when I mention that I’m seeing a Chinese Medicine doctor. They bemoan the use of my money on something that obviously won’t work if they have declared my condition is untreatable. I wish for open minds and love in the western profession.

“Drink warm water, is good for you.”

For a couple of winters my immune system was a nightmare, permitting me 5 day breaks between colds. Dr. Lim suggested that I drink warm water. He told me that when cold water goes into the body, it naturally cools it down and the energy required to warm it back up takes away from its ability to fight off viruses.

Since switching to warm water and boiling the jug a trillion times a day, I've only had two mild colds in a whole winter. It’s an incredible change. Sometimes you don’t need a pill or potion, just some smart body sense.

“On sunny days, go for walk outside.”

To keep myself from fainting, I've had to exercise very often for the last few years. I diligently go to the gym because I've been told to, but, eww. After I moved to Geelong and felt the low mood cloud descend on me, I opted out of trying more antidepressants {after a hellish experience coming off them last time} and instead took Chinese Herbs and sunshine. The choice is unshowered dripping males and fluorescent lighting, or fragrant spring flowers and sunshine. I'm still amazed at how joyful I feel in the sun, smelling flowers - it's a merry combination.

“Eat yoghurt for this problem, you feel better.”

Recently I had a bout of tummy bloating, severe heartburn, and other unmentionable bowel dilemmas...I expected him to give me another bottle of herbs for this issue, but instead he said to try yogurt first. As I can't tolerate dairy, we decided on a probiotic. His intuition was right on, as it immediately settled things down. I do love a simple pharmacy or food solution and avoiding a trip to the white coats.

“I have something make it go away. Be all better.”

I came to Lim after two trips to the physio which hadn't solved my neck pain and headaches. He came back from his store room with patches to put on my neck and back, containing strong herbs like Menthol and Camphor. I wanted to believe this would help, but after an unsuccessful week of treatment at the physio, I was fearful of ongoing pain. I skeptically put the patches on, and in 3 days I was pain free.

We can't underestimate the importance of easing another's burden, even if we can't take it away. I was dancing around the house over joyed to have one less pain on my plate.

Smile often

Dr. Lim and his son who helps him smile continually. They absolutely beam. I've never met such smiley people in my entire life. From the dozens of 'you feel better soon's' to the 'we find something just right for you's' I feel a warmth which is delightfully refreshing for a jaded appointment attendee. After my appointments they usually chat to Ben and I for quite some time like we are their friends - about our lives and their lives, and always with lots of laughter. I've never left without the smile they gave to me in the room.

They don't worry about being 'professional', a word which has come to feel so clinical and cold to me. I feel they embody what doctors really should be - caring, affirmative, and eager to reduce pain.

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution."

 Kahlil Gibran

surprise holiday in august {and a pianostool diy}

I’ll never forget my first holiday with illness, because it was a major let down.

I thought the holiday would be a reprieve and a chance to get refreshed, and I thought I needed it more than ever before.  But I soon realised that the best thing about holidays is leaving the hard work at home...and when the hard work is your own body, it comes with you. I could not believe it had come; I couldn't believe my body wouldn’t let me have a few days off. I know it is super naive/illogical, but I truly thought I'd feel better while I was away. I spent the whole holiday shocked that even the cruisey life was difficult.

All the old ‘leisure’ activities had lost their leisureliness. Reading a book was not so easy, and watching a movie hurt my head. A trip to the beach was exhausting, and catching up with friends was a demolishing task.

But I've been given a couple of weeks off just recently, and I've been experiencing the crazy goodness and beauty of leisure which actually feels like leisure. The necessity of showering and dressing hasn’t taken it all out of me, so I can enjoy my book thoroughly. I made my own lunch and baked a cake afterwards. I saw two friends in a week and didn't end up in bed. And Ben and I did a project (as in, outside, standing up, kindof-manual-labour) that we’d wanted to start two years ago but never could because the basic things used up my everything.

I’m actually on holiday from my body at the moment, and it’s so good I'm weepy. 

We got this piano stool for $10 in a garage sale two years ago. And it was gruesome brown paint with stained yellow satin. We sanded it by hand, painted it cream, re-upholstered it with natural jute from Spotlight, and now it's feeling fabulously shabby chic. 

words for wednesday {page 16, laughter club}

" For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe." 

Larry Eisenberg

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."

Lao Tzu

"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine."

Lord Byron

Yesterday I went to the nursery and came home with baby Daphne, who smells like lemony spring and looks like my wedding bouquet. I keep sneaking out the front door to bend down and take in her fragrance (i.e. nearly every hour). I think Lao Tzu articulated one of the most restorative things about creation - it's never rushing or stressing or worrying. 

This Saturday, I am hoping to try the most wacky bizarre unconventional thing I've ever done.

I thought going back to ballet as an adult was courageous. This time I'm going to go along to laughter club.  I have no idea whether I will find it mad and crazy as I am inclined to think, or refreshing and freeing. I feel as though I am a crazy lady for even deciding to try it. I asked my other half if he would join me after he was quite positive about my decision to trial it, but he wasn't so keen for himself and cited concerns about co-workers seeing him there and having to explain himself {the 'laughers' meet at the Waterfront}. He doesn't want to be associated with 'hippy healthy nutters', which is quite understandable. My main concern is that I will laugh uncontrollably in the sections where we supposed to be quiet. I have this difficulty, bordering on disorder, where I lose the plot in serious situations, and struggle to stop laughing at a socially appropriate times. I might share my laughter experience next week.

Have you heard of Norman Cousins? 

He was diagnosed in 1964 with a connective tissue disease and given a very slim chance of recovery. After getting progressively worse in hospital under conventional medicine, he became active in his health and decided to put himself on a course of vitamins, and.....laughter. He knew that stress could cause harm to the body and wanted to see if positive emotions could help with healing. He tested his sedimentation rate before and after laughter (achieved by watching the Marx Brothers) - and found that afterwards it would drop, and he would be pain-free for two hours of sleep. After recovering, he went on to study the effects of humour on the body.

Thankyou cfsjourney for the Eisenberg quote.

words for wednesday {page 15, happy healthy resolutions}

I have been topsy turveying around feeling perplexed in relapse land. I lose the plot emotionally when I relapse, so it's double trouble.

I decided: time to give my body a chance to snap out of hazy land into energy land and hopefully driving land again soon. Ben is such a great taxi, but it really does make our lives more complicated. I am on Day 7 of quitting fructose – I know, bye-bye fruit, dried fruit, honey... caffine had to go too {and I said bye to processed sugar a long time ago}. No more midday date hits and crashes, and hopefully a move towards a sharper brain and more energy. If you know me, you will know how much I love my English Breakfast tea - my sacrifice just proves how much I want to get well.

But despite saying bye to my frienemies, I feel excited. Buckwheat pancakes, peanut butter chocolate truffles, hummus, leafy greens, nuts, jasmine green tea, and healthy granola. It’s actually a delicious feast, thanks to recipes from Sarah Wilson’s blog and beyond. 

I’m also doing breathing exercises/mindfulness to help calm my ever stressed self down. I trialled my new ‘belly’ {which I prefer to call tummy} breathing at the hairdresser this week under that sneaky black cape, and I returned without having felt anxious, told a lie, or having developed a headache. I didn’t even lie down afterwards! I can’t express my delight at finding a technique which helps conserve energy.

Ben and I also realised that in the kafuffle of moving and ‘settling,’ {which is really code for ‘not feeling settled at all’ and 'missing Melbourne'} we haven’t been doing things we enjoy very much. We used to have happy little family traditions; daily walks to the Parklands to watch the dogs play, going to buy incredible gluten free fruit loaf from the bakery on Saturdays, watching romcoms. Lately it’s all been survival, and not much enjoying – and I have a strong feeling that if we did more enjoying and just being content here we might settle better. We have re-committed!

It could be a placebo effect, which is fine by me, because I don’t care what makes me feel better, or it could be a combination of eating great food, breathing, enjoying walks outside and being positive...but I’m feeling a tiny bit better. I appreciate this little step forward.

{the other night I went to youtube for a laughing/cute animal fix, but I cannot beat this hair accident one which naturally went viral.}