I love words. I love that by deliberately selecting words and carefully arranging them, complex and emotional feelings can be expressed. It fascinates me that a novelist can create an entirely fictional world by words. That he can make scenes so vivid to his readers that they can see it all in their heads, and feel the pain of the imaginary characters. But I think that notes are even more powerful than words. They evoke emotions in me that I struggle to describe adequately. The effect of music on me has always been strong. I used to listen to Tchaikovsky ballet waltzes – I was compelled to dance around the lounge. It was intoxicating and thrilling. Dancing was the only way that I could cope with the joy which seemed to be literally bubbling up my oesophagus from deep down inside my body. But since my body has become weak and fragile, the beautifully tragic melodies have captivated me. I don’t mind tears streaming down my face when I listen to music. I actually quite like it. Sometimes it is the only way to relieve myself of the intense feelings which are either buried deep or resting on the surface.
I can’t describe my longing to be free from the constant pain of this body, so please listen to this peice which explains it so much better than I ever will be able to.
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| it is cruel you know, that music should be so beautiful |
Longing. Hope. For me this song is a yearning to run, to dance, to do things with no suffering afterwards, to be a fairy, to be carefree and unconstrained by this body...
live for today...
...hope for tomorrow
This song is my hope for tomorrow. Some days I can’t hope for a well tomorrow. I can’t visualise a well me. I don’t see that being completely well is an option, or a realistic wish. I mentally see myself always having to pace, always lying down and eternally wishing I could do more - be more. I feel hopelessness for the future. And then other days, all I can do is hope for tomorrow and I see today as worthless – I forget that what I’m doing right now does have some significance; it’s not worthless just because it is so tiny and doesn’t fit into our societies idea of achievement. Even if the only thing I have achieved today is learning empathy for other people who are suffering, that would be worth it, wouldn’t it?
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