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Eating left over salad at 4 am. Because that is the last scrap of food in the house. Wondering why I feel so nauseous, and why I have been awake all night? Feeling scared about tomorrow, which is actually today. Wondering if I will have to cancel arrangements because I’ll be feeling unwell? Worrying that tomorrow night will be a repeat of tonight and my body will deteriorate. Praying that my brain will stop grinding over comments and fears and problems. Thinking how peaceful Ben looks as he sleeps. Grateful for him and for our beautiful marriage, and hoping that my illness doesn’t burn him out. Knowing that no one ever told me life would be easy, but still wishing it, over and over. Questioning how long I will live under the shadow of sickness yet knowing it’s pointless to wonder. Wanting to cry for relief from internal tension, but feeling numb. Feeling like a little child masquerading as an adult and wanting to be carried away to some safe place. Dreaming of a long holiday, never returning. Tired from life at twenty one, and saying already ‘I have no pleasure in these days’. Glad of the new mercies that will be given for the day, just enough at just the right time to carry on. One minute at a time.
Oh Dee. My heart goes out to you. Just don't give up. Remember, you are a stranger in this land. You are living in a tent (maybe a pretty flimsy one), but you are heading home. Read Revelation 21. Dream the golden dream. IT IS COMING!
ReplyDeleteAlso, as I read your post a pungent thought entered my mind. This week has been hard for me too, with my mind 'grinding over comments and fears and problems'. I began to feel ashamed because my struggles are smaller than yours. But then I thought, who can really declare which person is fighting the hardest battle? This is not to down-play your fight... your life is certainly harder than mine. But I guess it is just human tendency to have problems and to feel overcome by them. Some are shallow and foolish; some, like yours, are deep and devastating.
You often talk about your observations of those who are healthy, and how you would not waste your life or complain as they do. I wonder if that would really be true for you if you were healthy again? Or is it human nature to be devastated by problems, no matter how severe or pathetic? I wonder if I will always see the grass as greener somewhere else; maybe my shallow mind never allows me to fully empathize with those who are worse off, to never fully understand how blessed and easy my life is. I believe that always God gives us enough grace to bear our sufferings; maybe that grace is always proportionate to our fight, so that no matter what the situation and no matter how healthy or sick we are, every struggle leaves us crippled, weak, and in desperate need of God.
I'm so sad to hear that you are in struggle town this week too Roo. Heading home is such a good thought, just wish that the journey wasn't quite so long. You raise such interesting thoughts, really good to think about - you're right in saying whatever the problem, it will test and challenge. I think maybe we can only compare our struggles to the other struggles we have faced in our life: and so I say to people that this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The hardest thing you have ever gone through may be totally different but it's still valid as the toughest thing, the thing which has made you feel most overwhelmed. I guess comparison is so unhelpful on so many levels: it either makes one dissatisfied with their lot, or causes one to feel weak for struggling immensely with a lot which sounds easier to bear than another.
DeleteThe grass is always greener else where, so true, and I know that if I do become well I will face new problems and probably bemoan all kinds of ailments which right now seem trivial to me. I have to remind myself that life wouldn't be easy if I were well, it might be easier, but not easy. There are so many kinds of grief/suffering I fear, because I don't think I could cope with them well body or not. So I like your conclusion, that no matter what our bodily state, we will be left desperate for grace and mercy.
This video inspires me and Ben, makes me cry because life is so hard but still so worthwhile - these guys have it so so tough, but they are strong in God.
http://vimeo.com/38033654
Love you bro xx
That video has left me speechless. It has hit me in so many ways, in all the right places. Wow. Amazing. What a marriage! What a testimony to God. I'm gonna wipe away the tears and watch it again. Thanks x
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