Monday, December 24



So much has been given to me; I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied. 

 - Helen Keller

these words are a treasure of truth. i want to say this more often.

when i read that i think of that obscure baby who was delivered without a midwife by an unmarried woman in straw and cow poo, who grew up and made it possible for me to have peace with my creator, and a future with him. its almost too big to wrap my mind around.

then i think about my husband and family and dog and gifts and health and home and country and food and education...and it suppresses the complaints and miseries which are a part of life on earth. i have received much, so very very much, and i don't want to forget that, even when days are tough and health is bad.

be joyful this christmas for all that's been given.

Thursday, December 13


i am grateful for nights out.

madame brussels at night

i used to take them for granted. until i had to go to sleep at 9 pm because i was suffering.

on friday night we spontaneously decided to go into the city to look at the christmas lights projected on historic buildings...we left our little apartment at 9 pm. i wanted to cry for joy that i wasn't lying on my bed with ben helping me struggle into my pajamas and encouraging me to swallow my mass of bedtime pills. going out at dark? it seemed so crazily beautifully fun!

last night after ben's graduation we didn't rush home to put a migrained mess of a wife into bed. we left the ceremony venue after 10.30 pm and walked in the heat, in my heels, to Madame Brussels to linger a little longer over our celebration. sitting there, it seemed overwhelming that ben had in his hand a degree, and i sat by his side drinking, wide awake, well. it seemed like we were too blessed.

and what about the day after? was it spent in bed? no. that's what is even more deliciously incredible. i am crying as i write because i am so utterly blessed to be alive and pain free.

Tuesday, December 11

this too shall pass

This morning in the shower I set myself the challenge not to think or worry about the future, and not to think or worry about the past - but to just focus my mind completely on each simple task.

After a horrible attack of anxiety last night, I decided to fight the beast inside me with any tool I have in my bag, to reign back in the control that Worry gained. He is so all pervasive and crafty that he just sneaks right on in and sets up inside me, and then I have to grab my weapons and poke him out before he destroys me.

Within a second, my mind had wandered far, far away from shampoo and conditioner.

" Must check what time my appointment is - argh no, just washing my hair now, enjoying the priviledge of lifting my arms up without fainting.....
 Tire Wolfgang out with long walk before gradation - please be peaceful mind....
 Start to pack up house, where to start, in the kitchen? - quiet, just today, just this one minute....
 Call carpet cleaning company, will they be able to get the stains out?! - be still oh my soul....
 Cook food for breakup party, but what to make? - do not worry about tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of it's own...."

It was a furious race of crazed anxious me fighting with calm, good perspective me. I simply couldn't stay still inside, in the bathroom, in the moment. There was violence in my brain, but I'd rather be fighting than succumbing.

Yesterday we got the confirmation that Ben will be working at Geelong Hospital next year! We are so thankful for his job, so thankful for my improvement and a million other things - I wish we could sit and drink in the joy of it, but now we have to keep working because we have to move down there before he starts in a few weeks. Apart from the inevitable chaos of shifting, and house hunting, and applying for rentals...there are chinese doctor, psychiatrist, specialist and GP appointments to attend, christmas break ups, friends to farewell, Ben's graduation, and a host of other things.

I'm scared that with so much pressure and activity my much improved health will go backwards. I'm scared that it's too fragile to survive these serious life changes in one piece. And I'm horrified to find myself incredibly anxious, struggling to breath, and dying to pull out my hair.

Anyway, I am not pulling out my hair (because being bald adds even more problems, trust me) and I am praying and breathing and deciding to take it one little minute at a time because,

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

This is not new wisdom, it's so timeless, so wise, so damn hard to do. I am so finite and fragile that to think ahead more than a day is too much - so that's why I will not let Worry cosy up inside me, harming my mind and body and soul.

This, too, shall pass.
How those words resonate in my soul, now that I feel in my body the truth of them.

"You keep in perfect peace him whose heart is stayed on you because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3