empathy

This song completely sums up the grief of being sick, and being misunderstood...how many times I've listened to it crying out my pain. Have a listen:  

Unwell - Matchbox Twenty

I grew up as a healthy girl, and I didn’t intimately know anyone with a chronic illness. So, I’d never really thought about what is and isn’t helpful to say to sick people...I knew that people with broken arms get tired of explaining how it happened, and that it’s sweet to send ‘ get well’ cards to others – but what about someone who doesn’t have a story, and who won’t get well in a week or two? That takes a bit of thought. As I quickly realised from being the unwell person, it’s awfully easy to say things to sick people which aren’t really appropriate or loving.

Dee’s what-not-to-say guide: 

“Are you better yet?”

No. Stress-less. I promise I’ll let you know. I’ll host a party, update my facebook status in CAPITAL LETTERS, and return to full time study when I’m better. ‘Chronic’ means long-term– that means years or even decades. And it’s somewhat awkward replying ‘No, I’m not better yet’ – what a conversation and mood killer!

“You’re looking well.”

 Ha! Good I look it, because I sure don’t feel it- that’s my not very gracious internal reaction. It carries this sting: because you look good, I doubt how sick you say you are. “You’re looking pretty” would be so much better; even a sick person can look attractive.

“What did you do today?”

 Um, well....lay on the couch, then, nearly collapsed having my shower, then, lay on the couch and listened to music, then pined after my husband who’s at work. Yes, it’s probably not the best question, because it makes the sick person feel fairly boring and pathetic and lame. Replacement suggestion: what was best/worst moment in your week? Did you get any ‘well’ hours?

“You should do this/that...it’s not too tiring.”

 Sadly, things which don’t tire you out can be demolishing for a cfs/pots sufferer. Thankfully, I am making slow progress, but there was a time where walking to the letterbox was tough. Therefore, coming out for coffee or going to that concert is just unthinkable. Now days, I can do lovely things – go out for coffee e.t.c...But I will suffer for it afterwards and possibly during. So I might have to decline purely because of that.

I even have friends who have been told, “You should look for a job!” If only!

Complicated, you say....yes, it’s complicated because being unwell is not easy - and the way to love a suffering person is to first get inside their shoes, and then spur them on.

There are some absolutely precious people in my life who have understood in a way which shows incredible empathy and sensitivity. I treasure them because they are so rare. What a blessing!