i have a confession to make. i was drawn to yoga because I knew
they lay down in the dark, with their eyes closed, for a portion of the class
{in sanscrit, it’s called savasana or corpse pose}. my motivation actually had
nothing to do with stretching or strength. it all began with going to
Bodybalance, a class which incorporates aspects of tai-chi, pilates, and yoga.
that’s where i learnt about yogic ‘nap-time’ at the end of class, and i will
never forget how delighted i felt when the instructor told us all to lie down
and get comfortable. some of the older participants got so comfortable that
they started snoring like tractors. i don’t know if this is normally the
inspiration for yoga, because i don’t go around mentioning it to classmates who
could well be there for more holistic reasons, but when you think about the
fact that my whole illness is about being exhausted, it makes senses.
that’s what got me in the door, pure laziness. so you can
imagine my first time, when i learnt i was going to have to work for that smidgen
of savasana by doing all kinds of physically impossible poses {asanas} for an
hour first. i didn’t think i’d need a towel as i do in cycle and circuit,
because it’s yoga and in yoga you just sit around looking serene and then have
a sleep. shortly into that first class, i was wet, i was red, and i was
inelegantly shaking with exertion. {i do power vinyasa for those who know about
these things; i found that out later, and it’s no walk in the park}. before we even got to that eagerly awaited savasana,
we did ‘inversions’ which was another aspect of yoga i was quite unprepared
for; basically headstands, shoulder stands, anything upside down will do. so by
the time you lie down on your mat, you have thoroughly earned it. for the next
four days i struggled to walk, to lower myself to the toilet, to shuffle down
the flight of stairs which led our flat, as my muscles cried and groaned with
over exertion. it was actually agony and i made sure that ben knew all about it.
infact, i only just recovered in time to do it again the next week. and it made
me exhausted; all i wanted to do was sleep and sleep.
considering my initial motivation, it’s quite surprising
that I continued with the torture. but i found that i loved the challenge, and
loved how i felt after I’d put my body through its paces. it was a physically
intense work out for every muscle group, and i was learning to control and slow
my breathing, a skill i’d been wishing i had since my struggle with panic
attacks {a skill my psychiatrists had struggled to teach effectively}. practicing
yoga was another piece in the puzzle of me feeling better overall, and an
exercise session which i enjoyed, so i was committed to continuing.
i walk up to the room holding my chai brown yoga mat, smell
the whiff of incense and take off my shoes. if the scent were any stronger i would
get a headache, and i am amazed i can handle it. i chose this yoga centre over
another one which oozing yogic spirituality – i just didn’t want to sit still
for half an hour chanting ‘shanti shanti’, and then spend an eternity in
silence with movement and scratching forbidden. the instructor sat at the front
of the room amid ornate cushions, prim and proper like a goddess with her legs
in lotus position, and she looked like the type who would reprimand me for
laughter or any other show of joyfulness. it made me think i was in an ashram and
that’s one place i will never go. the only physical thing we did in that class
was lift our leg up and move it in a few circles, and the whole ordeal was
intensely stifling and anxiety provoking.
my first yoga teacher told us that if we were prone to
impatience in everyday life, we would probably find ourselves wanting to let go
of our poses as soon as possible. i hold the pose, and inside i’m screaming, “ come
on, say we can come out of it now, I’m going to fall over, my leg is burning,
this is agony, you’re taking too long...nooo, don’t correct that person over
there, it distracts you from realising how long we’ve been holding this
position...” finally, long overdue, the teacher says we can come back into a
more relaxed position, and I am the first one out of it with a crash and a bang.
but I’m learning to breathe through the pain and striving to be in less of a
rush. i am incredibly impatient in most areas of life, so i think yoga and long
term illness are doing me some good. it helps with my anxiety, with pain
management, with flexibility, with strength, with posture, with mood, with
fatigue, so yes, i suppose this post is basically just a long winded way of
saying ,’ i am so glad that I found yoga.’
i am heartily tempted to go along to this kind of yoga; with
my uncontrollable laughter issues, i think i’d love it. watch this video here. do you think its mad or wonderful?
leg warmers i knitted for shavasana, of course |
No comments:
Post a Comment