Tuesday, February 5

you don't know that you're toxic to me

You don’t know
that you’re toxic to me.
Even you, my close friend,
my incredible family.
You don’t see how I hurt
after we’ve talked. As we talk.
How I ache and burn,
How I lie and wait.
You cannot watch,
as I mend myself.
In my private space.
I long to be with you,
you give me joy.
But oh, your humanity is something my body
cannot tolerate. Anymore.
You stimulate me,
I leak, adrenalin.
My head, my ears, my heart,
you assault my senses,
overloading me with sight
You can’t see my inward battles.
I need you to leave
I feel unwell
Yes, even with you.
But I feel so rude
that I hide my pain.
Or I want to keep talking
despite the discomfort.
I pretend I am normal
but it always destroys my health
a little, or a lot.
I lie to reassure you.
I lie far too often.
I fear telling you the truth,
That your body affects me detrimentally,
of my fragility.
That you, even you,
overwhelm me.
I limit my friends, I can’t always invest
I can’t bare interaction
often, for long.
We ‘need’ to catch up,
that’s what you say.
But those words make me shiver.
No. We don’t.
Don’t oblige me with ‘need’.
Don’t say ‘it’s been too long’.
It’s not long enough, for me,
if I’ve been silent.
You who just wait and gently offer yourself,
when I’m ready.
for however short a time,
without asking for more,
You are the sunshine.
In your patience, your subtle communication,
you restore me
from the terrors of interaction.
You never ask for more than I can give.

You know that you’re toxic
to my body.

1 comment: